-:- The Fullmetal Alchemist -:-

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Name : Edward Elric
Rank: Major
Age : 15
Dislikes : Paperwork, that idiot Taisa, listening to Winry, being yelled at, milk, rulers
Likes : Chocolate, big shoes, reading, sleeping, drawing, showing people up, pissing off Mustang
Current Dreams: Create The Philosopher's Stone

*Edward Elric* :: Homepage
*Maes Hughes *
*Glacia Hughes*
*Riza Hawkeye*
*~~The Asshole~~ Roy Mustang*
*Al*
*Jean Havok*
*Vato Falman*
*Fury*


07/24/2005 08:17 pm	truth is a whisper

it's the season of scars and of wounds in the heart of feeling the full weight of our burdens it's the season of bowing our heads in the wind and knowing we are not alone in fear not alone in the dark

[ filtered : al and envy only ]
11/05/2004 12:40 am	truth is a whisper

I want to reach my hand into the dark and feel what reaches back... Words can't even illustrate the horrors that I have seen reflected back at me in that homunculus' eyes. I was so paralyzed... my mind shut down... And like my feet were made of clay, I couldn't even move. I wanted to run. I wanted to scream and strangle what life the heartless doll has. I wanted to cry for Al. What is it like to see the image of yourself before you were sucked through the gate? What can it be like to see what you may never be again... and to just... watch? Will it ever stop hurting? I'm reminded every day of my mistakes; it's agonizing at times when you can do nothing but live with it.


10/02/2004 02:03 am	1 made that choice \| truth is a whisper

I'm not really the gift-giving type... But... The Colonel's gonna love his gift. Too bad the guy's sense of humour is as lively as a dead fish.

[ rant : viewable and commentable to all ]
09/12/2004 05:28 pm	1 made that choice \| truth is a whisper

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork... I'm so goddamn sick of being enslaved by reports and due dates ~~I never keep anyway~~. I've got your ~~fucking~~ paperwork right here. 100% completed. Proofread. Seven pages, back-to-back. Signed your favourite little military lapdog. I'm presenting it to you today, but you'd better expect equivalent trade between alchemists. I have a lot to ask you. I want to know your side of the story.

[ love and power : viewable to all ]
09/12/2004 05:22 pm	1 made that choice \| truth is a whisper

i don't think i am strong enough to do this much longer god, i wish i was stronger this song could never be long enough to express every longing god, i wish it was longer... I've come to understand why we do the things we do. ... I'm beginning to understand the cruciality of love and power. Power is sought for a variety of reasons, and it's sometimes provoked by love. Namely in the power to protect love. We're all commoved by either one or both of these concepts. Power for love... A love for power... I love Al... so I want to harness the power it takes to ~~clean up my mess~~ restitute him. I want to make him happy. The Colonel wants power, too... and I'd like to believe it's because there's someone he loves that he wants to protect too... I've also slowly grown to respect Mustang as more than just a rank since the Ishbal Temple Incident (tm). I respect him as a man of tenacious honor and dignity... and it stings my tongue to utter such words, so don't expect to be hearing them again anytime soon. I wonder what he saw in the war. I'll never understand how such a man can save face even when he's bed-ridden and knowing he must look like a travesty of his usual puffed-up pride. I couldn't stand to see him look so vulnerable. Everything around me and in Ishbal seemed to tilt that morning I thought ~~I'd~~ we'd lost Mustang under the rubble. The light of the world seemed to alter and distort... and my world appeared as though covered in darkness. And not the familiar kind of despair my eyes have adjusted to... although it's just as displacing and horrifying. Ever since Ishbal -- and ever since I came so close to something transcendental in that array -- nothing has felt familiar. Except Al. Al is perhaps the only constant variable in my life... because even my mind is yielding to change. I can't even trust myself right now. The moment we arrived at Central (from a train I wished would derail and scream off into the nearest ravine... really...), I saw Al back to our dorm. I hope he remembers to take Momo off Lieutenant Havok's hands. Hah. Who am I kidding? That's probably the first thing he'll do. I have taken it upon myself to hole up in our room and fill my head with textbook knowledge and pick apart formulas for new equations in transmutation. If I dwell on all of this, I won't have to think about everything else that's going on in my mind. I can't even begin to sort out all of the confusing notions and face them for what they really are. Between Alphonse and Mustang, I... I worry too much about my affairs with people. I'm losing focus. ... Al's been really compassionate as if he knows what I want without my articulating it. He moves around my form sprawled on the floor with an air too light for the cumbersome suit of armour that he is. And his all-knowing behavior as he sits and observes me sets off alarms in the back of my head. Around him, I sometimes feel stripped... and in my most doubtful moments, it scares the hell out of me. He knows me better than I do. I'll never see through his eyes, trapped in that prison he's in... but he can see right through me. And it doesn't even faze him. I do the things I do because of love. Love is the most important, dangerous, and invicible element. It's impenetrable. I suppose it will kill me someday.

[ OOC note ]
08/14/2004 08:00 pm	truth is a whisper

I have a new name: The Fullmetal. So when I'm not on Human AIchemy, I'm probably there. Thanks. ~<3

[ Ed-centric musing ]
08/05/2004 06:24 pm	1 made that choice \| truth is a whisper

We continue on, unatoned. I've thrown everything I am into this search. I feel like I'm bound to this mission. It's been four years... ... five once the season changes. I'll be sixteen sooner than I care to recognize, and yet my brother is frozen in time. I just want my baby brother back. More than anything, I want to wrap my arms around him and feel warmth and skin and see that daylight smile and peer into leaden eyes that remind me that even the smallest things can mean more than gold. I can't believe I thought he was... dead. Roy Mustang can't die, just like that (we couldn't be so lucky). You can't imagine how silly I feel for foolishly thinking the self-important Colonel could bite it on my behalf. Oh no. He has to be alive, or else he would have taken me down with him. ~~He knew I would want it that way anyway.~~ There will be plenty of opportunities for death later, after I recover my brother's body. Sensei calls it getting back what we lost through a mistake by committing another mistake... Sin for sin. But what can we do? ... ~~equivalent exchange isn't fair.~~ ... Mustang would not be without backup on this venture. Surely Hughes-chuusa would be here for investigation... or maybe his First and Second Lieutenants...? We'll comb the entire city if we have to. I need closure, no matter the result. - - - While I crawl into the unknown Cover me I'm going hunting for mysteries Cover me I'm going to prove the impossible really exists This is really dangerous Cover me But worth all the effort Cover me I'm going to prove the impossible really exists

[ filter : stream of thought ]
07/28/2004 12:51 am	truth is a whisper

If only I could have been there I'd be a hand for the sinking If only I could have been there I'd be a prayer for the dying Oh, I'm so sick and tired of -- ... the taste of tears, the sting of pain, the smell of fear, ... the sounds of crying. I'm stalling sending a report back to Headquarters. I don't want to hear the Colonel's sardonic "I told you so"'s just yet. We're not done here. The people are suspicious, and they move among us with their terrific red eyes and holy loftiness... What are they trying to defend by protecting this wasteland? It's sad, but it's true; there's nothing left of Ishbal but a conglomerate of refugees. This territory is no longer a sanctuary. It will soon be under fire by the military like it was years before. ... back when the Stone was supposedly manifested. What are they trying to stand up for? Their virtue? I hate this place. These people will die... Our simple presence here is jeopardizing them. But if the secret to the Stone lies in these sacred ruins, then... it's for their own good. If I can manufacture the Stone the right way (and I refuse to believe the Philosopher's Stone can only be fabricated at the cost of several lives), then I will not only be saving them but I'll be preventing another war. I've let everyone down so far. Sensei... Al... I've become everything worthy of disdain in two words: "State Alchemist." But I strongly feel my next encounter with Scar will be different. Ishbal's saviour... Show me your god who will judge me... Or does he speak through the arm that only destroys? You may understand alchemy, but you're incapable of reconstructing what you've disassembled, aren't you? So self-righteous... ~~Does that make me as arrogant as you?~~

[ coffee : does it stunt growth and grow addicts? ]
07/25/2004 10:52 pm	truth is a whisper

I've seen Mustang take his coffee black. I even tried some at one point. How can anyone stomach that? It tastes like dirt. It's so bland and vile... ~~kind of like a certain Colonel~~. Before we left for Ishbal, a girl invited me to a cafe two blocks away from the library. There I ordered an iced cappuccino topped with whipped cream swirled with chocolate syrup. ... upon her request. She also wanted to use two straws. Nevertheless, it was great. So, the day we left for Ishbal I picked up another of the mocha variety. ... and then another on the train. Now I guess you could call me a coffee connoisseur. It keeps me up, though. I need to stay up... But in this deserted campsite, there naturally wouldn't be any way to afford the luxury of a cafe -- or any interest, at that. I think I'm suffering withdrawal. Hell, I'd take Mustang's black coffee right now. But I know better. I know the Taisa has a sweet tooth that could rot even my cavities. ~~... or so sources tell me~~.

[ no subject ]
07/15/2004 07:38 pm	truth is a whisper

These are my thoughts written down on paper It’s my only savior from not saying what I wanna say. These are the thoughts that are on my mind Moments that haven’t yet been defined And I don’t know if you will ever understand These are the things I can’t say when we’re alone. We arrived in Ishbal two nights ago. And I have written five unsent letters between cards and naps and stops. Al has managed to confiscate one of them. I'm not surprised that he's grinning from ear to ear. It's nothing but jumbled, scattered thoughts addressed to no one... but it's easy enough to tell I had something to say to someone. I think Al kno-- And now he's looking over my shoulder. ... speaking of Al, I'm undecided as to how to feel about his restoration. I should be happy... but I can't be blindly happy. I need to know why it happened -- or, more importantly, how it happened. Alphonse has been leading me around the town... and the kids recognize him. We've been staying with a group of them, and Al is the guest of honour. Something's shady about all of this. We're alchemists; we're atheists. Maybe this is some sort of set-up to disarm us? What did Al trade in for his body? What, what, what? I'm starting to wonder if the flow of life is truly based on the principle of equivalent exchange. Because sometimes when you give, it costs you nothing. Sometimes it's rewarding; sometimes it doesn't give back. And sometimes, things are taken from you... and you're left with nothing in recompense. I don't know. The Ishbalian kids believe in Karma here. Their parents would probably punish them if they knew. Karma's like equivalent trade in that I doubt its tenacity and verity as I see more and more inconsistency in both doctrines that blatantly negates them. ... I wonder where Mustang-no-taisa stands on these ideas.

filtered : missing
07/06/2004 01:12 am	truth is a whisper

If I ever stopped for even an instant, I would run the risk of losing myself completely. I've given everything to pushing onward, not considering the consequences of what I've left behind. It's sad when you realize you only want to go home. But it's the saddest thing when you remember you don't have a home to return to. I can't turn around and run back the way I came. I don't have that option; I can't bow out. Even if I wanted to... ... I think too much. I miss Mom.

filtered : private introspection
07/05/2004 10:18 pm	truth is a whisper

Half way from coal Half way to diamond. My fall knocked a mean chip out of me. Gathering as far as I can reach. Perched up on the precipice And this is what I've seen. Although I don't make it known, I don't sleep very well. Not since... we left home. Nightmares keep me awake at night. Some are worse than others... some foreboding, others reminiscent... All personal. So close to my heart that I startle into reality. And the most aching realization is to find it's all true when I look around and recognize my surroundings. It's all happened before... or will happen. But dreams are just that: dreams. Nevertheless, I wander the halls well after hours in an attempt to clear the fog from my mind and shake off the leftover tremors and mental wraiths. But last night I slept soundly into morning. There were no nightmares, dreams, ghosts, or cadavers. There was nothing but warmth and security. I felt whole; I felt... solid. Not that I'd ever felt like half of myself... But I don't know anymore. I know I once considered Al my other half. Together, as alchemists, we held the makings of the world in our tiny hands. But now, I've hefted the weight of our iniquity onto my shoulders -- and along with that, I took Al under my wing. I'm falling apart. But I slept so well last night... Some things seemed to make so much more sense after a good night's rest.

[ how can you just leave me standing? ]
07/03/2004 03:32 am	2 made that choice \| truth is a whisper

Does anyone want to watch Momo while Al and I are gone? Momo's our new pet cat. I already can't bear to part with him, but... tomorrow we're setting out for Ishbal. Al doesn't know this yet, either. I can't ignore my intuition. I believe that if there's any hope in manifesting the Philosopher's Stone, then we'll find our lead in that city. Intelligence has been much too mysterious about that war-torn town, and that only makes me that much more certain secrets are being withheld. Damned military only gives up some slack when its own personal gain is in mind. ... Mustang asked me a curious question. Though I hate to recount our conversation, I can't help but remember when he asked me what I'd do with the completed Philosopher's Stone once I did succeed in restoring Alphonse... I suppose I'd have no other choice than to release it to the military. I'd at least be observing the principle of equivalent trade. ... wouldn't I? As a State Alchemist, I should. But whose to say how long I will hold that title after the Stone's production. Whose to say what will happen when it is created. Chaos will break out among the alchemists. But every alchemist knows that what can be made can also be unmade. I'll destroy it once I've restituted my brother and kept my promise to not only him but myself. I'll destroy the Philosopher's Stone.


07/01/2004 01:29 pm	7 made that choice \| truth is a whisper

I don't get girls. They're weird. They make you drink your milk and they yell at you when you don't take your shoes off at the door. And they're clingy! They delight in playing mind games, and it seems like one week out of every month they get upset over everything and make me want to transmute a hole in the ground to hide in until the storm passes. Winry's changing attitude has brought these realizations into focus. She looks at me with bigger eyes, and I catch her staring at me. Me. Not my (her) automail. Then when I ask her what the hell her problem is, she blushes and snaps at me for my latest bout of negligence. "You've gone and wrecked yourself again, Edo! You don't appreciate my beautiful work because if you did, you wouldn't be so careless and nearly get yourself killed! I'm so worried about you! What will I do if you break more than just your automail...?" Pfft. Girls... Who needs 'em?

I don't think I can do this...
06/24/2004 03:02 pm	2 made that choice \| truth is a whisper

I don't think I can face him again... I feel so powerless. Aren't I supposed to be a state alchemist? I'm used to the feeling of being detested for who I am... for what I practice... And I'm used to being spited. But that man... his arm... I've heard rumours. People have talked about him, the "Eye of God" passed fearfully between whispers. Some Ishbal refugee. That war is a frustrating mystery to me. I've only managed to gain tidbits of information from top-secret documents I'm not even supposed to have acquired and clipped, cagey snippits from those who'd lived to see the war or suffered the loss of their family or friends to its cause. But every last one of them who speaks of Ishbal speaks with a faraway voice. And their eyes look haunted. I'd never seen Mustang look more haunted than that night. I'd never seem him angrier. He was absolutely incensed... He was fire himself. ... I can barely bring myself to come into his office, but I know that's not an option. I have to see him. We've all got duties. I was scared... I was so scared. It wasn't alchemy, and I don't understand it. I don't understand God. I... I wonder what Sensei would have done. I wonder what she'd say. I know she doesn't approve of my allegiance to the military (well, as allegient as Edward Elric can be). I feel like I've failed her miserably. There are so many faces I can't bear to see right now... because I know they'll see the shame I'm wearing like it's pinned on my sleeve. Winry might not notice, though. She's coming over today to make repairs on my arm. That run-in bent the joints, rendering me unabale to bend at the elbow for too long. Thankfully I've adapted to ambidexterity. I'm due in to fill out a lot of paperwork.